Bad News, Fellas.

Recently, my friend Jessica and I were discussing "French Kissing" and the origins of the word. What's particularly "French" about sticking your tongue in someone's mouth and wiggling it around? When did it earn that name? And Did no one ever do that before the French came along and showed off their stuff? Or was it called something else beforehand? Who invented French Kissing, anyways?

You know, the usual stuff that you discuss with pretty girls.

I started googling around, looking for information on the topic. I ran into a ton of articles that offered to make me a better kisser, but scant information in the way of the etymology of the term. Of course, whenever I see an article that promises to teach me how to be a better kisser, I check them out.

Which is how I stumbled onto Lynn Snowdens article for a "teen advice" column. It's called "How to Kiss a Woman." Catchy title, eh?

Of course, once I read the first line, I nearly shit my pants.

Here it is.

It has been theorized that a woman decided within five minutes of meeting a man whether or not she will have sex with him. Possibly true, but there is one catch. Most women I know, myself included, may initially decide we'll have sex with a guy, but when we find out he's a bad or a mediocre kisser, we change our minds entirely. We decide we will never have sex with this guy.

Are you fucking kidding me?

FIVE MINUTES?!?

You gals are deciding within the first five minutes of meeting me, whether we're going to be knocking boots or not? Really?!? Seriously?!?

Goddammit!

Because I make a LOUSY first impression. From a distance, I give off the appearance of "Someone who looks like he's ready for a nap." And things don't improve, as you move in closer. Upon closer inspection, you'll see the thin hair and the wrinkled forehead and over-sized ears. And if I find you attractive at all, my forehead starts to sweat like a teenagers. Clammy hands, too. And my figure doesn't encourage a woman to climb all over me, so much as it makes you want to smack a sandwich out of my hands.

Once you dig past all of this, though, there ARE some fine qualities. But they're not evident IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES!!!

Christ!

I was never a good auditionee in college. I was always terrible at it. I never knew how to sell myself. And I couldn't bring myself to present some sort of hirable, lunkhead persona, to get an acting job. A TERRIBLE auditionee. I'm sure that auditors, sitting in the house thought, "I don't want to hire him for my musical theater. Nor would I ever want to fuck him."

And this is more of the same...

Look ladies, I have got to think that this theory, this "I'll know in five minutes" theory can't be working for you. Unless you meet a guy, WHILE HE'S HAVING SEX with someone who is built like you, you have NO idea what package you're buying. (Literally.) I know guys who are terrified about dancing in public, who are voracious sex-hounds in the bedroom. You would be missing the opportunity of having these Sexy Beasts give you the loving of a lifetime, if you passed them over at the bar.

From my perspective, I just can't move that fast. Sure, there have been some bloody hideous women that I KNEW that I wasn't going to get with. Horrible wildebeests, they were. But they were few and far between. With most girls, I have to talk to them and get to know them, to decide whether I'm giving them a tussle or not. It's not always "how you look", so much as it is "what you say". And "how you say it." That's what I am looking for.

(Well, that and a nice set of boobs.)

And I can't accurately judge all of that in five minutes.

Once you get past that nutsack-receding first paragraph, Snowden has some interesting things to say about kissing. And some amusing comparisons to make. (For Example, did you know that Harrison Ford is considered to be a bad kisser? Neither did I!) At the very least, it's a charming article.

But that opening paragraph, though. That's a terrible shocker to us slow-moving types.

Ordering another drink, with a shaky hand,
Mr. B



PS. For answers about the origins of French Kissing and some other quaint names for it (I will immediately begin using the Northern English slang term, "Doing a Frankie" for French Kissing. I love that.), please check THIS entry of the wikipedia.